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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26234209">The Siren and The Sailor</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>18th Century CE RPF, Turn (TV 2014)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, First Kisses, Fluff, Grieving, Halemadge Week 2020, Internalized Homophobia, Letters, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Marriage Proposal, Pining, Secret Wedding, night swimming</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:41:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,808</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26234209</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Tell me a secret.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Nathan Hale (1755-1776)/Benjamin Tallmadge</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Secrets</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>September 1771</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Two young men--boys, really--wander along the empty corridors of the Yale campus, passing a bottle of Madeira between the two of them. Nathan Hale, the man on the right, closest to the brickwork, had won it in a round of cards from an upperclassman who had insulted him earlier. Benjamin Tallmadge, the man on Nathan’s left, had been furious, wishing to throw his fists at the man’s face when he had, but he had been ultimately held back by his friend. His <em> best </em> friend. Benjamin was now wearing a bright smile--one that screamed victory, the angered expression far, far away. </p><p>“Did you see his face?” Benjamin exclaims, voice carrying slightly down the hall. Nathan looks at him, a smirk twisted upon his lips. </p><p>“Did I see it? Oh, Damon, it was <em> priceless </em>! Worth so much more than this!” Nathan raises the bottle of Madeira before pressing the mouth of the bottle to his lips and taking a hearty swig. He passes it to Benjamin, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand while doing so. Benjamin accepts the bottle and tilts it up at his lips. When nothing comes out, he looks at his friend, with a smile.</p><p>“Pythias!” Benjamin says, looking down at the bottle in his hands before turning it to look Nathan in the eyes. “You drank the last bit! Why would you hand me an empty bottle?”</p><p>Nathan laughs. “Because, dearest Damon, I had no desire to carry it with us to our dorm.” Benjamin scowls, but he cannot be angry when Nathan’s laughter rings so sweetly in the air. The scowl morphs into a soft smile and he playfully tries to shove the bottle into Nathan’s arms. His attempts are unsuccessful as Nathan twists and turns and runs away from him, but the bright-eyed smile upon his lips is more than worth it. </p><p>Benjamin runs to catch up to Nathan, clasping the bottle’s neck tightly in his fist, a similar smile upon his face. Eventually they reach their dormitory as one could only run around the campus for so long in the dark before being caught by an upperclassmen who (was likely doing something they shouldn’t have) would have brought them to a professor to be properly disciplined. </p><p>Nathan wraps an arm around Benjamin’s shoulders as he opens the door. There’s a strange glint in his eyes that Benjamin recognizes as mischief, but it’s mixed in with something else. <em> Perhaps he is simply drunk </em>, Benjamin thinks. After all, Nathan is slightly more touchy than usual and seems unable to walk in a perfectly straight line with one foot in front of the other--two of Nathan’s usual tells.</p><p>He stumbles into the room, no thanks to Nathan, slightly tripping over his own feet. Nathan drags him to sit by the fireplace. The fire is ablaze but, the flames are controlled and slow, a nice blanket of warmth from the cool autumn nights air. </p><p>The reddish-orange color of the fire casts a faint glow on everything it touches and shadows dance everywhere it doesn’t. Nathan leans against him, shoulder to shoulder, eyes focused on the flames--fiery tongues licking away at the wood. </p><p>“Tell me a secret,” he says abruptly, eyes still trained upon the fire. “Tell me something that no one else knows. Or could ever hope to.” </p><p>Benjamin watches his friend out of the corner of his eyes. He sighs wearily, sounding far older than his age. Benjamin contemplates answering the question--if he doesn’t Nathan will ask a million other questions all summing up to a “Why won’t you tell me?” However, if he does answer, what will he say? He only has but one secret and it was one that he kept very close to him, guarding it as Ladon did Hera’s golden apples. </p><p>“If I tell you,” he begins, taking his eyes away from Nathan and placing them on the flames. “promise me that you will not cast your judgement upon me. And that you will not look at me any different with the new knowledge. You must promise me this.” Benjamin’s voice takes on an edge of concern and pleading; he wields them like a double bladed sword. </p><p>Nathan turns his head, to look at him, eyes darting around, searching. Benjamin watches Nathan’s eyes move and bites his lip, waiting for a response.</p><p>“I promise,” Nathan says, finally breaking the silence. </p><p>“I… I am… scared,” Ben says quietly, carefully selecting a word and speaking it into truth before immediately wanting to swallow the word after it leaves his lips. Nathan places a comforting hand around him, resting it upon his other shoulder, the warmth drawing out the tension Benjamin is carrying there. </p><p>“You need not be afraid, Damon. I promise that no such judgment will pass from me on to you. It is not my place to judge you for this,” Nathan whispers. “And I highly doubt that you have intentionally harmed or taken the honor of another without consent. I am here for you, when you would like to tell me. That is, if you would still like to.“ </p><p>Benjamin nods his head. “I still would like to. I just… do not wish to see you hate me.”</p><p>“Hate you? Why on Earth would I hate you, Benjamin. I thought you knew me well enough to know that I do not hate anyone. And even if I did, it certainly would not be you.” Nathan finishes speaking, ending his sentence with a confidence that Benjamin wishes he had in this moment. </p><p>“Well… as you said, I have not harmed nor taken another’s honor, for those are horrible offenses,” Benjamin says slowly, quietly. “However, I do suppose that my offense could be considered worse than those of which you spoke of. In the eyes of many, it is. Personally, I do not think of it as an offense.”</p><p>Nathan rests his head on Benjamin’s shoulder, keeping his hand on his shoulder there while also pulling Benjamin closer to him.  He hums quietly in response and Benjamin continues speaking. </p><p>He shakes slightly as he murmurs the next part. “Because why should love be a sin? We were created to love. It is etched into the very fabric of our nature. With the exception of a man and a child, why should love be a sin?”</p><p>Nathan says nothing, but the glint in his eyes--the very same one that Benjamin has seen earlier--is back. </p><p>Benjamin swallows hard, pushing the fear and nausea back down. “What I am trying to say is,” Ben looks at Nathan, cataloguing the soft, contented smile, the curve of his nose, the light in his eyes. He swallows again, averting his eyes to the fire, “I love you, Nathan Hale.” </p><p>Benjamin looks down at the ground. He does not wish to see the hatred in his eyes. He does not wish to see the disgust slide onto his features, the curl of his lip as it turns to a scowl. He does not wish to hear Nathan’s voice turn scathing as he condemns him. He does not wish to feel Nathan sharply recoil away from him as if he had been burned by the fires that Benjamin walks so closely to, but never has touched. </p><p>Tears water in his eyes and he closes them before they can escape. He bites his lip when he feels a single tear--hot and wet on the skin of his cheek--slide down his face. The crackle of the fire, and his heart beat in his ears are the only things he can hear. He gets lost in his thoughts, hearing only his father’s voice and his sermons ring around in his ears, condemning him to the pits of Hell for his sin. </p><p>He expects those things. He expects to be treated like the scum of the Earth and trampled over and ignored just as scum is. He expects Nathan to scream at him. He expects to be hurt. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. </p><p>He does not, however, expect long, nimble fingers to brush away the escaped tear. He does not, expect warm hands to cup his face. He does not expect to hear Nathan speak in a gentle timber. </p><p>“Open your eyes, Benjamin.”</p><p>He does as he is told, fearing for himself should he not comply with the simple request. He opens his eyes, regretfully only to see Nathan, kneeling in front of him, arms outstretched, hands cupping his face as if he were <em> delicate </em> or something to be <em> treasured </em>. He did not expect to see a warmth in Nathan’s eyes, reflected as if it were from the fire, but at the same time, a completely different type of heat. </p><p>“I love you too,” Nathan says quietly, emotions flickering in his eyes. Nathan smiles, a small, secretive smile but Benjamin does not return it. His chest clenches painfully as if an ill-fitting corset had been placed around his ribs. </p><p>“No…” Ben whispers, sadness drowning the joy he had felt earlier that evening. “No, you do not.” </p><p>Nathan frowns slightly, the smile that had formed on his lips, slipping away. Benjamin has never hated himself more. “I did not think you could tell me of my own emotions, Damon. For you do not know, and you cannot tell me otherwise.” </p><p>“You don’t understand. I love you... But not as a man loves his friend. Not even as a man loves his brother. I love you, like a man would a <em> woman </em> . Nathan, you do not love me. You <em> cannot… </em>” He swallows down the lump in his throat that threatens to choke him, fear serving as a noose--the gallows flickering in his mind’s eye, not for the first time that night.</p><p>He is met only with kindness swirling deep in the depths of Nathan’s frost colored eyes. They haven’t melted from the heat of the flames that threaten to consume him…</p><p>“I love you,” Nathan says again, repeating himself. Benjamin bites his lip, trying not to allow his hopes to be lifted. He cannot afford to let them. For even if Nathan loves him, Benjamin would rather die--would rather hang, or suffer all sorts of atrocity, both in life and death--<em>alone </em> and <em> unloved </em> then bring Nathan down with him. </p><p>“You can’t.” Benjamin’s voice breaks and another tear falls down his face. He didn’t even realize that the world had gone blurry at the edges. He just thought it was the result of his heart breaking, and the world ending.</p><p>“But I <em> do. </em>” The words are spoken with all of Nathan’s bravado--the same tone of voice he would use while arguing with another one of their fellow classmen during class, trying to convince and prove a point. Benjamin blinks, mind quiet for the first time in what feels like ages.</p><p>He sniffles. “You what?”</p><p>Nathan smiles, teeth glimmering slightly in the firelight, and holds Benjamin’s head so that he is forced to look at him. His eyes kind and soft--<em>loving</em>, Benjamin realizes so abruptly that he almost shakes from the feelings of relief and elation that fill his entire being. </p><p>“I love you. I love you, Benjamin Tallmadge.” Nathan’s eyes are tender, emotions swirling plain as day in his irises. <em> He loves me. He loves me like </em> I <em> love him… </em> As soon as he makes the realization, a dam breaks in Benjamin, emotions that have been carefully stored away flooding out. Tears of joy, confusion, and relief fall from his eyes. His mouth contorts into a smile; he’s smiling so hard it <em> hurts. </em> </p><p>He tentatively reaches forward and cups the back of Nathan’s skull, where his head and neck meet. His fingers twine into the dirty-blonde strands, and he pulls Nathan’s face closer to his. </p><p>Benjamin presses his forehead to Nathan’s, tilting his head up slightly. Their noses brush, and he resists the urge to laugh--everything feels so absurd, he can barely believe any of this is real. Despite what he thinks, the breath gusting across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose, is very real.</p><p>“I love you.” Benjamin says the words with a smile and a confidence that he lacked the first time he uttered them into existence. He had never even let himself speak the words in private, with only the company of God present.</p><p>“I love you too, dearest Damon. More than you could ever know.”</p><p>Benjamin smiles, and he feels Nathan do the same, his nose crinkling slightly in glee. They stay like that, losing all sense of time as they sit with their heads resting against each other, sharing the same air, soft smiles adorning their faces. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading!<br/><a href="https://bladesnflannel.tumblr.com">Tumblr</a><br/>-J</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. First Kisses</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>October 1771</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Benjamin laughs cheerfully, tipsily pulls Nathan by his arm. Nathan’s feet drag slightly into the wet earth as he stumbles behind him, trying to get his feet under him. Benjamin’s fingers dig into Nathan’s sleeves, the layers of his linen shirt and coat slipping together roughly. </p><p>“No… Benj--Benjam--Damon no. It is far too cold,” Nathan says, slurring his words slightly together. Benjamin only pulls harder on his arm in response, yanking him forward. <em> There is nothing wrong with taking a swim in the harbor in October. No… It is quite hot tonight and the water should feel refreshing, </em>he thinks, legs straining from dragging Nathan from the tavern to New Haven Harbor--a decent distance away from each other. </p><p>The sound of water crashing in a rhythmic fashion--against itself, against the docks and ships, and the harbor side--gets louder and louder as they draw closer and closer to it. He toes his shoes off a few feet away from the water’s side so that they do not get swept away by the waves, making sure Nathan does the same, silver buckles of his shoes glinting slightly in the moonlight, before walking straight into the water.</p><p>Benjamin can hardly feel the water licking at his feet and the hems of his breaches. He walks deeper into it, pulling a reluctant Nathan into the spray. He yelps at the cold Benjamin cannot feel, trying to break away and step out. Under normal circumstances, he would be able to easily jump away and out of Benjamin’s grasp. However,  he is too inebriated--or does not truly want to leave his side--and he takes another step into the sea. Benjamin does not need to pull at Nathan’s sleeve to beckon him further into the icy waters. Nathan walks to his lover, slinging an arm over his shoulder. </p><p>“Why… The water is freezing,” Nathan whines into his ear, breath hot on the side of his face. </p><p>“Why not? It is a glorious day for swimming!” Benjamin exclaims, wrapping an arm around Nathan’s waist and wadding deeping into the water, minding his steps with the rocks--some sharp, others smooth--underfoot.</p><p>“It is not! For goodness sake, it’s close to <em> midnight! </em>Benjamin, please. Let’s go back to our dormitory,” Nathan begs, sounding a lot more sober than he had a mere instant before. Benjamin says nothing in response, bending slightly in order to touch the water, and flick it at Nathan. “Hey! Why, you’ll pay for that!”</p><p>Nathan sends a wave of water at Benjamin in retaliation, who squeals in his shock. His coat, waistcoat, and shirt are drenched, sopping wet from water and sticking to his skin. He jumps and wades deeper into the harbor, splashing at Nathan. He follows him, water being flung at both boys. </p><p>Under the light of the moon, the world fades away to just the two of them. They both laugh and smile, free of the worries of the world that weigh them down. They ignore their soaking clothing and the water they choke on when it is flung at their faces. They ignore the tangles of wet hair that are certain to cause trouble in the morning. </p><p>Unfortunately, the cold seeps into their bones--signaling for them to leave the water before they end up frostbitten. Their breaths come out in white puffs, fogging up the air around their faces. They slowly walk back to the shore, slightly shivering.</p><p>When they get out of the water, the air is colder than the water. They do not slide their shoes on, their socks sopping wet and fingers shaking too much to place their shoes on their feet even if they wanted. Instead, the two of them wrestle off their socks--which cling to their toes and ankles and calves--and carry them in hand. They do the same with their shoes, letting them dangle from their fingertips. </p><p>Nathan slings his arm around Benjamin’s shoulder, once more, and they walk back to the Yale campus and to their dormitory on the eastside of Connecticut Hall. They shiver as they walk, a brisk wind sweeping over them, rustling the fallen leaves--brightly colored red, orange, and yellow in the daylight now blue or purple in color under the moonlight--on the ground.</p><p>Benjamin looks up at Nathan, who is looking down at him, his breath ghosting over the top of his forehead. Without thinking he leans forward and presses a kiss to Nathan’s lips, which are cold, and wet, and most likely, blue. It is a quick, chaste, peck of the lips, nothing long or indecent, but it is still enough of a kiss to steal Benjamin’s breath away. If only it was the action, itself, that stole it away from him.</p><p>“I--I--” Benjamin trails off at a loss for words, speech failing him. “I--Sorry. I apologize. I shouldn’t have done that.”</p><p>Nathan fixes him a look. “But did you want to?”</p><p>He meets his eyes, his own wide and fearful. “Yes,” Benjamin whispers, barely a hint of a breath. Of course he wanted to. Why would he <em> not </em> want to kiss his lover? “Yes. I wanted to.”</p><p>He stops walking, fear keeping him in place. <em> I am so sorry, my love. I would have never-- </em></p><p>Benjamin’s thoughts are silenced--cut off--when Nathan presses a soft kiss. He nearly swoons, his knees giving out momentarily before he manages to right himself. The kiss breaks and he lets out a soft sigh. He wants to smile but he also wants to kiss <em> his </em> Nathan again. So he does, pressing his lips to Nathan’s again in a kiss, fluttering his eyes closed. It remains chaste and sweet, but it is long and Benjamin cannot recall a more transcendent moment in his life.</p><p>The kiss turns into a mere press of their mouths as they begin to smile.  Nathan places his forehead to Benjamin’s, letting it rest there as they regain their breaths. Benjamin sniffs, eyes sparkling in the moonlight. Nathan’s eyes carry the echo the same joy he feels. </p><p>“I love you,” Nathan says in a low gravelly tone. </p><p>“I love you, too,” Benjamin replies, with a smile. He shudders particularly hard, and Nathan lets out a laugh, a beautiful and melodious sound. </p><p>“Oh, you must be freezing. Now, I wonder why it is that <em> you </em> dragged us here in the first place, considering your current state,” Nathan says lightly, eyes shimmering with a gleam of teasing. He turns, removing his forehead from Benjamin’s so that he can wrap his arm around Benjamin. He brings him close to his chest in an attempt to warm him, <em> and himself </em>. </p><p>They walk slowly back to the campus, slinking into their dorm quietly, twin smiles on their faces and the gleam of <em> life </em> in their eyes. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! Leave a comment or kudos and subscribe if you enjoyed it! This work is completely finished with the exception of a few minor edits.<br/>-J</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Bound Hearts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy Halemadge week! Use the #Halemadge week 2020 to see announcements and the amazing work!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>April 1773</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In the golden light of the sun, Nathan and Benjamin sit facing each other under an old elm tree, watching the sun set slowly into the west, slipping behind the horizon. The fading light accentuates the blue of Nathan’s eyes and his blonde hairs, appearing to be halo-like. He looks angelic and so, so blindingly beautiful that Benjamin thinks he might have to look away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh Benjamin! That is wonderful!” Nathan exclaims, wrapping Benjamin in his arms and pressing a kiss to his forehead upon hearing the news. Benjamin would be able to graduate by the end of the semester--ahead the rest of their class. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Benjamin smiles, but it’s all lips and teeth, not coming close to touching his eyes. Something akin to sorrow floats around in the deep blue of his irises. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pythias. Nathan,” he says quietly. “It is an honor. And I am very happy with the prospect. But, once I graduate, I would have to leave. I would have to leave--” Nathan’s eyes spark with a newfound understanding, expression melting into one of absolute despair.“</span>
  <em>
    <span>--you</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh…” It leaves Nathan’s mouth with a sigh. How he manages to compact so many emotions in a single syllable, Benjamin doesn’t know. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Na--Nathan,” he whimpers, sounding more like a scared child than a man about to graduate from Yale. “I do not wish to be apart from you. Not by any distance or duration of time.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He clings to Nathan’s coat, burying his face into his lover’s shoulder, shaking. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I cannot bear the thought of living without you. Where would I be, if not by your side. I love you… I do not want to leave you. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My love, I do not wish that, either. But you must take this opportunity you have been blessed with. You have a brilliant mind and it would be a shame to see it wasted here. Your future is bright. Do not waste it.” Nathan’s voice quivers slightly, despite his words of confidence. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He never could act</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Benjamin thinks, heart clenching. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But I--” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My heart is yours. It will travel alongside you to wherever you may find yourself. And when we meet again, promise me that you will keep it whole for me. I love you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Benjamin sobs. Tears streaming down his face. There is a terrible pain, embedded deep in his chest. It burns and cuts away at him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If only there was a way… A way to bind hearts together. To bind souls together… I wish--” his voice breaks. “I wish we could… be </span>
  <em>
    <span>married</span>
  </em>
  <span>! For at least then, we would have a testament to keep us bound.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nathan hums, stroking Benjamin’s hair gently. Then he stops, and perks up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can.” His voice is breathless and wonderstruck. “My God! Benjamin we can!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Benjamin pulls his face up and out from Nathan’s shoulder. He doesn’t believe it. He cannot. “How? Under the eyes of the law, we could not marry… We cannot be wed, Nathan. Please do not give me such hope.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am not! Benjamin, I had a friend back in Coventry. His great-grandmother was intended for someone else, but she ended up with the man she loved--his great-grandfather.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That is a lovely story, Pythias, but I fail to see how this has any relation to our current situation and how we could be married at all.” Benjamin wants to be annoyed, but he finds himself being more tired and defeated than anything. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Perhaps our love was never meant to be…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, no. You don’t understand. They were Quakers. There was no need for a meeting house or clergymen. There was no need for any witnesses. They only needed a vow. Something along the lines of ‘We are married.’”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Benjamin’s breath catches in his throat, understanding dawning, and an awestruck, tiny smile has made its way upon his face. “We are… We are married,” he says, blue eyes glinting in the sunlight. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nathan lets out a huff of laughter, his entire face exuding excitement and love. So much love. “We are married!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They smile at each other, teeth shining in the golden light of the sun, looking at each other. At their faces, their hands, their eyes, their hair, their mouths. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m married! Oh my… I’m married. I am married to Nathan Hale!! How on Heaven and Earth did I get so fortunate that I have been able to marry him… He is the love of my life. I know it. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They kiss, long and sweet, eyes fluttering shut. Addicted the taste of the other’s lips as if they were the finest ambrosia. Benjamin doesn’t know who initiated the kiss, if he leaned forward first, if Nathan did, or if they leaned in at the same time and met in the middle. They cup each other's faces, absolute pure elation filling the space around them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you. I love you. I love you,” Benjamin mumbles against Nathan’s lips. “I… we are married! I love you.” </span>
</p>
<p>While he doesn’t open his eyes, he knows that Nathan has his open, observing his face.</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you. Most ardently,” Nathan whispers back to him, the baritone quality of his voice ringing in Benjamin’s ears. “I am yours for as long as you will keep me. I am yours forever. For all eternity if you wish me to be. My heart is yours. I am yours. I love you. More than words could ever convey. More than I could ever hope to explain. More than all the words I could ever string together or speak. I love you and no amount of words, written or spoken, arranged in any such order would do justice for my love for you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Benjamin opens his eyes then, looking into Nathan’s eyes, which match the beautiful blue of the sky. Love is written in both their eyes, bouncing back and forth between the two sets of blue eyes, reflecting like a set of two mirrors positioned so that they face each other. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If I had your gift for words, I would have spoken those same words. My love for you is unending. My heart is yours, and my love and devotion is only shared between yourself and God. I love you, my dearest. I will never stop,” Benjamin feels the prick of tears at the back of his eyes, tears welling in the corners. He wraps his arms around his </span>
  <em>
    <span>husband</span>
  </em>
  <span>, pulling him close to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nathan returns the embrace, wrapping his arms tightly around Benjamin’s shoulders. He melts into Nathan’s arms, his resolve crumbling as the tears, which had gathered, fall. He turns, pressing his ear to Nathan’s chest, listening to the quiet, yet strong and steady beats of his heart. He listens to Nathan’s breath, soft and lightly gusting over his head, barely fluttering the light brown strands of his hair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He buries himself into the warm embrace of his lover, comforted only in the knowledge that their hearts shall never be separated in life, bound together by a simple three words with a testament to more. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you,” Nathan breathes against his hair. “I love you, Benjamin Tallmadge.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And I you,” Benjamin mumbles. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I would go to the ends of the Earth and beyond, for you.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “I love you.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yes, I totally stole the “we are married” scene from the show; it was the first scene I thought of before I expanded it into this. Did anyone catch the Pride and Prejudice reference? Thank you for reading! Comment or kudos (or both) if you liked it, please &lt;3<br/>-J</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Spies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Surprise!! A chapter I didn’t even think would be written until about two hours ago...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>September 1776</strong>
</p><p><br/>“You are going to WHAT?” Benjamin yells, eyes comically wide. His arms fall limply at his sides, the acidic tang of bile pricking the back of his throat. He’s never liked the darkness that comes with the nighttime, but now, he is grateful for it. The firelight coming from camp illuminates their features as they stand on the outskirts, speaking in hushed whispers. At least, they were anyway. </p><p>“I’m going to be a spy. For Washington.” The words are spoken plainly, hiding nothing of his true intentions. Nathan holds his husband’s shoulders, gripping them hard enough so that Benjamin pays attention to him and his words. “I thought you wanted this? I thought you would be happy that I’m doing something about what I believe in. Something for a cause we <em> both </em> believe in!”</p><p>“I <em> am </em>!” Benjamin says vehemently. “But, Nathan! You’re sick! You have been for a long time. Spying is dangerous… and you need to be safe!” </p><p>“Who is to say that I won’t be?” Nathan asks and Benjamin looks at him as if his lover has lost his head. </p><p>“I do!” Benjamin exclaims, resting his hands on one of Nathan’s. He clenches Nathan’s fingers tightly between his own. “I trust you. You know I do… But <em> Nathan </em>,”he says, stressing the name, “I…. I can’t lose you.” </p><p>“And you won’t,” Nathan says too quickly,with way too much bravado for Benjamin's comfort. His mouth floods with saliva and he swallows hard. “I promise you. I promise that you will not lose me. You already have me… My heart and my affections, Benjamin.” </p><p>Tears well up in his eyes and he refuses to let them fall, tilting his head up to look at the crescent moon overhead. “You can’t say that!” He sniffles, before repeating himself calmly. “You can’t say that and you have no guarantee!” </p><p>Nathan slips his hands free of Benjamin’s grasp and places them on Benjamin’s face, cupping his cheeks and resting his forehead against Benjamin’s own. Nathan sighs, the warm of his breath ghosting over his face. His eyes flutter closed and he forces himself not to let his tears fall. “I will come back to you. I swear it on my life.”</p><p>“And that is the very thing you will lose if you are caught.” </p><p>“But I won’t be. Trust me, my beloved, I will not be.” Benjamin sighs, leaning into Nathan’s hands. He opens his eyes, and nearly cries to see Nathan’s hovering mere inches away from his, so full of love and devotion and kindness--the same emotions flickering in his eyes as they did all those years ago, when the world seemed so big and their limits felt endless. They remain the same as the first day Benjamin confessed, the day they first kisses, and the day they were married. His eyes, and his love remain unchanged by circumstance, by war, and distance, for Nathan has always loved Benjamin. Just as Benjamin has always loved Nathan.</p><p>Benjamin brings his hands up to cup Nathan’s face, as Nathan already is for him. He lets his fingers tangle into Nathan’s blonde hair, silky strands running through his fingers. Benjamin commits this moment to memory, taking note of every movement, every gesture, every breath. He wants to remember this moment like he remembers the other tidbits of their relationship. And he never wants to forget. </p><p>He does not know who moves first, if it were him, or if it were Nathan who presses their mouths together in a sweet kiss. A kiss of promise, of life together. A kiss holding the future. But, in more ways than one, it feels like a kiss of farewell, sweetness with a tinge of bitterness, mixing together to create a powerful concoction. And Benjamin hates it. He hates it with his entire being because he cannot bear the thought of losing the man he would do anything for. He hates it because nothing has even <em> happened </em>.</p><p>Their lips fall from each other’s and Benjamin gasps before surging forward and pressing another kiss on Nathan’s. He kisses Nathan as if he needs him to breathe. Even as his lungs burn and tears slip past his lashes, he holds tight to Nathan. Like all good things, however, they end, and so does their kiss. With a heaving chest, Benjamin says, “I love you.”</p><p>“I love you,” Nathan whispers, voice only a breath and somehow, it is more powerful than if he had yelled it for all to hear. Quiet. Intimate. <em> Nathan. </em> It was the Nathan that only he had had the privilege of knowing. The only soul on Earth who truly knew how he ticked. It was the Nathan he had fallen for, so easily, and so quickly. It was Nathan in his most vulnerable state. He was the man who had given his heart to Benjamin, as he had to him. It was Nathan whom he loved and adored like no other. </p><p>“Please… never leave me.” His voice, pleading and mixed with desperation. Nathan shakes in his arms and promises that he never will. And there it is…. Nathan is afraid, as he should be, but something inside Benjamin breaks when he notices it. The fear.</p><p>Bile, once again, rises in his throat, tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. He looks up at Nathan and, in the silver gleam of moonlight, and in the orange glow of the campfire, he can see tears rushing down Nathan’s cheeks, as Nathan cries silently, shouldering his pain as if he were alone in it. But he’s not. Benjamin feels at a loss for words and he wraps his arms around his husband, bringing him closer to him, as if more contact would fix the mess they were in. </p><p>“I love you. I love you. I love you.” His voice trembles when he says it, but it doesn’t make the words any less true, or any less certain. They both are afraid. Afraid of the unknown and what they cannot see. Benjamin holds Nathan in his arms, both of them shaking slightly, but grasping at the strands of hope that weave their fates together. “I love you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading! Comment or kudos are always appreciated :)<br/>-J</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. 11:26</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This work is posted on September 22 at 11 o’clock EST; the time when Nathan Hale was marched to the place he would be hanged. May he rest in peace.</p><p>(Please head the tags)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>September 1776</b>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Blast</em>, Benjamin thought when he went to look at his pocket watch. It was a gift Nathan had given him many summers ago, before he had even left Yale, so that he would not forget him. <em> As if I ever could</em>. Unfortunately, it had stopped working on the 22nd around 11:25 (11:26 exactly, from what he could tell) and he had not been able to understand why time had stopped. </p><p>However, he was unable to place the watch in his tent, with the rest of his things, too used to the weight and the cool metal in his pocket. He had kept it with him, holding onto the little token, the little piece of Nathan, close to him. It was a beacon, a light of certainty in a time where nothing was certain. </p><p>Regardless of the sentimental value it carried, he really needed to get it fixed--he would never replace it, unless Nathan gave him one to replace it with--as it proved to be a disadvantage when he needed to know the precise time of the day. </p><p>He wanders around the camp aimlessly, passing empty tents, fellow soldiers, and campfires. A voice calls him from behind.</p><p>“Tallmadge! Tallmadge!” He spins on his heel, watching the loose, fiery red, tendrils of Captain Hamilton’s hair flutter around his face as he walks briskly to him.</p><p>“Captain,” Benjamin says, standing up a little bit straighter, at attention. “Can I do anything for you? You look exhausted.”</p><p>He’s a bit perplexed at why Hamilton has sought him out considering his haggard state; his uniform is pristine, but his face looks worn, his violently blue eyes hiding a storm within their depths, <em> haunted</em>, accompanied by dark circles under his eyes. He also seems to have a spot of ink on the side of his cheek. </p><p>“Ahh well, it isn’t anything you need to worry yourself over,” Hamilton sighs, (ink stained) fingers twitching. “I just arrived back from a scouting mission. Well, from reporting from one, really. I actually am here because of that.”</p><p>“Alright,” Benjamin says, tilting his head curiously. “I do not know how much of a help I could be, but I--” Hamilton waves his hand dismissively, rolling his eyes as if to say, “<em>That’s not true and we both know it.” </em></p><p>“No, no. You misunderstand me. And while your help is appreciated, it is not the reason I am here.”</p><p>Benjamin features crinkle into a soft frown. “Excuse me, sir. What are you talking about?”</p><p>Hamilton pulls his hat off his head, looking pained. Benjamin’s heart jumps into his throat, fear taking hold of him. </p><p>“I am talking about your close friend, Captain Nathan Hale.” </p><p>“I… What about him?” Benjamin asks, a knot twisting together in his stomach, saliva flooding his mouth as the bitter taste of bile tickles the back of his throat. </p><p>
  <em> What about Nathan? What’s happened to him? Oh my God… Oh God please don’t let him be dead. Please keep him safe. Oh my God… Oh my God, keep him safe. Nathan. Please be safe. Please don’t be dead. You promised me you wouldn’t. Please don’t be dead. I need you. Don’t leave me. Nathan. What happened. Nathan. Oh God, Nathan. Nathan… </em>
</p><p>Hamilton looks up at him, brow furrowed in his sadness and grief. Benjamin swallows the bile burning the back of his throat, clenching his hands into fists. </p><p>“I am sorry, sir. Your friend was captured and hung as a spy three days ago.” Benjamin blinks. <em> Nathan is what? How can he be dead? </em> “I wanted to be the one to tell you. I wanted to tell you myself…  I knew how close you were to him, how much he meant to you.”</p><p>Benjamin wants to scream, <em> You know nothing of my relationship to Nathan! Nothing! You never knew him. You never saw his face light up in a smile or tears stream down his cheeks. You would not know… he was my lover, my </em> husband<em>. How could you know anything? You cannot know. You cannot know anything now, for he is… </em></p><p>But he does not say anything. Perhaps it is the shock, the overwhelming sense of sadness, keeping his tongue at bay, or perhaps it is the knowing glint sparkling in Hamilton’s eyes, the slump of his shoulders holding the weight of the world.</p><p>The world is crumbling.<em> It has shattered. It </em> is <em> shattered and I cannot see anything clearly. Nathan was my world… and now he is-- </em></p><p>“I… Excuse me,” Benjamin says curtly, betraying nothing of the emotions that war inside him, turning on his heel to return to the privacy of his tent. He is able to take two steps away when Hamilton’s hand lands on his shoulder, fingers curling slightly into his coat. </p><p>“I am so very sorry. If there is anything I can do, anything at all, I will do my best to do it. I wish--,” Hamilton cuts himself off, closing his mouth and quirking his lips up slightly in, what Benjamin thinks is an attempt at, a reassuring smile. They both know what he would have said. </p><p>
  <em> I wish I could have done more.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I wish he didn’t die.  </em>
</p><p>But there is no use in wishing. For it does nothing. Nathan is already gone… </p><p>Benjamin nods weakly, “Thank you.” He smiles a despairing smile and Hamilton averts his eyes away. Benjamin thinks he does it because Hamilton doesn’t wish to see him in such a state--a state of such brokenness, broken <em> heartedness, </em> where it oozes out of him from every pore of his skin. He is taken by surprise when the captain throws his arms around him in a tight embrace. He stands there slightly, before returning the embrace, arms nearly limp around Hamilton’s thin shoulders. </p><p>The embrace lasts for a few seconds before the young captain is breaking away. His eyes hold tears within them and the haunted look in his eyes from earlier flickers into Benjamin’s thoughts. <em> How bad was everything to cause this vibrant man tears for surely they are not only for my own sake. How bad was it? How bad was it for </em> Nathan<em>? Oh my... </em></p><p>Hamilton composes himself, sniffling slightly before shooting Benjamin a watery smile and placing the tricorn upon his head again. He nods at Benjamin before stepping away, rushing past him as if he were running from his emotions. Perhaps he was.  </p><p>Benjamin walks the short distance to his tent, keeping his head down and avoiding running into the company of his fellow soldiers. Once he is there, he throws back to the flaps and collapses onto his bedroll in a tangle of limbs. A million and one thoughts flood his head, wave after wave after wave after wave of memories crashing over him as soon as the pain from the current memory diminishes to something he can almost tolerate.</p><p>Then, Benjamin decides that he cannot take it anymore. He cannot stand the pain. It is worse than anything he has ever felt, the world as he knows it, at a stand-still as his heart is cut into ribbons and smaller… <em> Ow. </em> Something digs into his side. </p><p><em> The watch… </em> he pulls it out of his pocket, looking at the face where the hands had stopped. It had stopped on September 22. <em> Oh my God… </em></p><p>He looks around the cramped tend for a distraction and he finds one easily. A quill, a small vial of ink, and paper sits on top of his valise. He regards it, staring at the two objects before pushing himself into a sitting position. He reaches for them, the feather tickling his fingers, and brings them to him. </p><p>He writes. Writes everything down in a letter addressed to Nathan doing just as he had promised his lover whenever he thought of him. </p><p>
  <em> Dearest Pythias,  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Nathan, my love, it has been too long since I last heard from you. You already know that I do not like to be kept waiting to hear from you. I miss you. I miss reading your letters. I miss hearing of your latest adventures. I miss hearing you speak. I miss hearing you laugh. I miss you. All of you, with every part of me, body, mind, and spirit. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I long to see you. You and your hair--strung like the stars, your eyes--more blue than the deepest ocean, your smile--two strings of the most beautiful pearls. I long to hear your voice, your laughter--melodious and charming. I long to touch and to be touched by you--to sleep in your embrace as we did the last night we were together. I long to kiss your lips. I long to speak sweet declarations of my love.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> From the moment I heard your voice, I was enraptured with you. I needed to know more. I needed you. And I drew close to you, like a sailor does a siren. What I found in place of a siren was far more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. I found you. And then I fell in love--faster than I ever thought I could. I could have only dreamed that you feel the same. And then, suddenly, you told me you felt the same way I did, and I wasn’t dreaming… It was so many years ago, and yet, my love for you has only grown. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And now, today, I have learned that I will not be granted the opportunity to do so. My wishes will remain only wishes, never breathed into existence. As we agreed before you went away, I have written a letter every time you have so little as crossed my thoughts, everything I wished to tell you, will go without a response. For you are no longer here on Earth to respond to them.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> As silly as it sounds, I was looking forward to receiving a response to each of my letters. You would, of course, respond after too much time had passed. I was looking forward to seeing yourself. Much more than the letters, for they were mere impressions of your heart for me to read.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I lament the day I wrote to you, compelling you to join the fight for fair America and her colonies. If I could have stopped myself from doing so, if I had known the outcome of requesting such, I would have never thought to draft it. For, at least, I would have known you would have stayed safe.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I lament the days I neglected to tell you how much I love you. No amount of words can describe my love for you, nor can they express my sadness at the prospect that I will never be able to tell you of such feelings ever again. I love you. I love you. And I cannot believe that we only had five years of that. I would have told you so much sooner if not for my own cowardice.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Or perhaps I would not have told you anything. For it is my fault that you are condemned to Hell, unless God, Himself, intervenes. I pray that he does--though the chances of my prayers being answered are slim, considering my own transgressions. So yes, I do lament the day I told you of my feelings. For you would not be condemned to such a fate, should I have simply kept my true desires hidden away as I had vowed I would.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But should you find yourself with the Father, wait for me? Or do not. Whatever you should choose to do, I hope that you are well. Perhaps that is a ridiculous wish, as you are dead…  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Regardless of my own stupidity, I need you to know that you still hold my heart. Death will not, it cannot, stop my love for you. Find rest among the stars, my dearest Pythias.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Yours, and only yours, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Damon </em>
</p><p>Benjamin sniffles as he signs his nickname--one that Nathan had given him so many years ago, when life seemed easier. And then he chuckles humorlessly as he recounts the tale of Damon and Pythias. Damon had been saved by the power of his friendship with Pythias. Pythias and Damon, who would have died for each other… <em> I would have taken his place. I would have traded his life for mine. </em></p><p>Benjamin sighs wistfully as he folds the letter. He doesn’t bother to seal it. He drags his valise closer and pulls out the letters he had hidden between the folds of his clothing. Then he stands up from the bedroll, taking the letters with him, and exits the tent. </p><p>He walks to the nearest fire, only two soldiers standing aside it.  Benjamin looks at the letters in his hands and drops them into the fire. The fire devours them, hot embers flying up. He watches the tongues of fire eat away at his letters, the hours he spent drafting them all going up in smoke. </p><p>When the last of his letters have burned away, he leaves the warmth of the fire and slips into his tent. He falls back down into his bedroll, legs too tired to stand and his arms, too tired to break his fall. He closes his eyes, his mind is blissfully empty, unlike the last time he lay there. </p><p>
  <em> This could be just a dream. Perhaps I’ve been dreaming… Oh, Lord please when I wake, take me back to September of five years ago. Take me back so that I can never tell him. Please let this be a dream. Please let him come back to me. </em>
</p><p>He drifts into a restless sleep, and when he opens his eyes at daybreak… </p><p>It isn’t a dream. </p><p>Benjamin resists the urge to scream and gets up. <em> There are things to do. </em></p><p>He has to work. He has to keep pushing, keep chipping away. He has to. For Nathan's death cannot go in vain. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know that’s not how watches worked back in the day, and I don’t really know what time Hale died... I made an educated guess. </p><p>Thank you for reading and sticking around the past few weeks! This has been a really fun work for me and I hope you liked it. Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated &lt;3<br/>-J</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading! You can subscribe or follow my tumblr (@rivingtonsgazette) for news on updates.<br/>-J</p></blockquote></div></div>
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